Grow Up And Blow Away.

oh well I need to get some stuff out and frankly I have no one to tell it too so, tumblr here we go.

Almost three years ago my life was COMPLETELY different then it is now, but back then I never would have guessed so many changes would be coming my way. I met the boy of my dreams, and little did I know, I would soon fall head over heals in love with this boy. It happened. Now here I am back to being all alone, even more alone then before, and all because I was too fucking stupid to cherish “The one.” Instead I fucked it all up and did everything wrong making us both endure two full years of misery or something really close to that. Don’t get me wrong we had our happytimes, plenty of them as a matter of fact but there were just way too many downfalls throughout the years, mostly caused by my stupid acts. I turned 18, I got a job and I got a tattoo for the boy, seeing as I planned to spend forever with him even though we were already slipping through the cracks. I still thought I could save us, I was wrong. Its going on what would have been our two and a half year anniversary in a month and seven days, and its been at least 4 months since he’s spoken a word to me in any way. Over these four months there hasn’t been a single day to pass by where I don’t think about him and cry. Not sad tears always, not happy tears always, but nonetheless I cry and miss him, not just the good times either. I miss everything. Today I looked down at my tattoo that I got for him as someone complimented it and for a change I didn’t see just ink in my skin. When I looked at it today I smiled and covered it back up with my sleeve. I don’t know I’m rambling but what I do know is I have tried dating since he left, and I don’t see anything…in anyone. I try, I give people chances but all I see is a cute face and nothing beyond it, my guard is up so strong I don’t even get to know anyone anymore. I’ve lost all my friends because I can’t bring myself to give a shit about anything other then one person anymore. I don’t know whats wrong with me and I don’t know how to fix it but I do know I don’t think I want too. I wish everyday on 11:11 for the same person, not always the same wish but for the same person. I just want to be happy again, and I ruined my shot at it permanently. Happiness was right in front of my face waiting for me to grab it and enjoy it for two years then finally he gave up waiting.

You really don’t know what you have until its gone. I miss you Prescott Ryan Beckett. I love you and always will.